E! News broke the story on Friday night. People learned from “a source” on Saturday that it was Selena who dumped Justin, because of “trust issues.” And when a tweeted photograph of 19-year-old Victoria’s Secret model Barbara Palvin cozying up to Justin was uncovered shortly after, diehard “Jelena” fans lost their shit.
We’re not going to say we’ve been waiting for Justin to be single for a very long time. It’s not like we were counting down the days, hours, minutes and seconds until he turned 18, only to then create creepy videos detailing what we’d do if we were his boos. And we definitely weren’t sending Selena death threats on Twitter.
But we here at NYU Local are pretty excited that J. Biebz is single. So excited, in fact, that we’ve decided to plan his next romantic endeavor for him. Check out our picks for who should be Justin Bieber’s next significant other.
I took the Nicki route:
I suggest Nicki Minaj because of their obvious chemistry in the “Beauty and the Beat” video.
Myles Tanzer took the kooky route:
I think Justin should date Brooke Candy. I’m sick of JB pretending he’s a good boy.
Ben Zweig took the Belieber route:
Waiting for somebody to suggest ME but I haven’t come up yet. So here: ME.
Ava Kiai took the obvious route:
Isn’t he like the only guy in Hollywood that Taylor Swift hasn’t dated?
Alex Bedder struck back:
First off, calm down about T Swift. She’s a professional beard. You know it. I know it. We all know it, except she doesn’t know it. Tay is that clueless freshman dating a Tisch musical theater major who “sometimes kisses boys because he’s curious,” goes with her to see Magic Mike because “Soderbergh is a genius” and only knows all the lyrics to Les Mis because he “likes the historical context.” Taylor Swift would date Hugh Jackman, if he weren’t married.
That said, because of J. Bieber’s habit of looking like a butch lesbian, I vote he should date Cynthia Nixon or Ellen Page. And don’t act like we don’t know about Mr. Ellen Page.
Andrew Olshevski got political:
Paula Broadwell, because she is smoking hot and she’s got experience with, like, sex and stuff since she’s old. But most importantly, the reason Biebz should date Paula Broadwell is because she makes for a great scandal, and who wouldn’t love to see a sex tape between them? Plus it would be so weird, and Bieber and Petraeus would be Eskimo brothers. Imagine that.
Frank Costa got snarky, but logical:
I think Carly Rae should just call him up because she obviously needs him for publicity.
Olivia Loving got all cute:
Paige Conway! She’s the girl he adorably met and brought on Ellen, and now they’re good friends.
John Surico is still talking about Kreayshawn:
Kreayshawn is always an option for all of us.
Jocelyn Silver might be plotting a ménages à trois:
I suggest James Franco. They both love Selena.
Julia Berke wants boybandom to explode:
Bieb should date all of One Direction at the same time.
But it was Michael Youhana who won it all:
Maybe he shouldn’t rush into another relationship, and take some time to reflect.
Touché, Michael. Touché.
Oh, and if all else fails, Pornhub Katie’s got J. Biebz’s back.