Muggles get ready because the part one of the last film installment of the Harry Potter series will be released next Thursday at midnight. To celebrate the upcoming opening, we wanted to give readers an interpretation of an NYU-ized Hogwarts. While we have homeless men instead of death eaters and rats instead of owls, it’s hard not to imagine NYU sculpted by J.K. Rowling. The following includes some of the major players in the seven novels and what their lives would be like if they swiped into Kimmel and studied in Bobst.

Harry Potter: The protagonist of the series would be in CAS and would live in Hayden. He would major in International Relations but would never pay attention in class. Instead of a Marauder’s Map, he’d use his iPhone to navigate shortcuts to class and text his friends to see who’s working security in Hayden. If Gomez isn’t there then he can sneak in his Butterbeers (read: FourLokos) without trouble. Harry would play Quidditch in WSP and get wasted at Benny’s Burritos on Thursday nights. His patronus would be a BobCat or a Violet, depending on his mood.

Hermoine Granger: There is no doubt that Hermoine would be in both Stern (with Draco Malfoy) and CAS, majoring in Finance and Pre-Med (she got special permission from the Registar). She’d live in Founders as a freshman with its easy-to-clean linoleum floors, and Gramercy as a sophomore. She’d never miss a ConWest lecture…ever. The ninth floor window seats in Bobst would be her second home, and you can bet your life that she’ll tell you to “shhh” if you’re texting too loud.

Ron Weasley: The youngest male Weasley would be in LSP and live in a low cost triple in Rubin. He’d be on the CAS track and eat in Downstein every day. Ron would be the kid who drinks too much and pukes at every party. At the end of the day, though, you’d still be glad he’s your friend.

Severus Snape: Snape would be a professor of every MAP class required for CAS students. He’d teach Natural Science Chemistry, ConWest: Antiquities in the 19^th Century, Writing the Essay, and QR. He’d give mediocre grades in all of them because his courses are about “learning, not grades.”

Fred and George Weasley: The twins would be in charge of Take Back NYU and would actually succeed in its demands. They would draw dicks on every white board attached to a door.

Albus Dumbledore: Although he is gray haired and wise like J-Sex, Dumbledore, (known to students as D-Dore) would not hug students. That’s straight up not acceptable in the magic world.  He’d apparate to and from Abu Dhabi and guest teach at all of the abroad sites. He’d even manage to put a charm on Community Board 2 so that they’ll let him build wherever he wants. He’d even complete the 2031 plan by 2011.

Luna Lovegood: Luna is a Gallatin student to the bone. She’d concentrate in “Crumple-Horned Snorkacks and their Effect on The Sexual Revolution.” She’d probably join NYU Local to report on weird shit like she does in The Quibbler. Luna would also experiment with LSD and psychedelics. By her senior year, she’d be wearing drug rugs and would live in Bushwick.

Voldemort: Voldemort is a being that is gone from NYU, but cleverly hid parts of his nefarious soul in NYU Home. That’s right, Albert is a horcrux. The horcrux would ensure that every student has a course registration conflict, and it would kick you out after fifteen minutes of use. Additionally, it would guarantee that the all tickets are sold out at Ticket Central, and that the email system is antiquated (no chain messaging?!). Someone needs to figure out how to destroy this horcrux, otherwise there will always be a little bit of evil hidden at NYU. Luckily we have Harry Potter and his friends to spill enough 4Loko on their computers till the website explodes.