Year after year the Academy nominates a bunch of films for best animated short film and best live-action short film, and consequently, America collectively scratches its greasy, dandruff-laden head. No one watches short films, so why would we have any opinions on these categories? Instead of using the gap created by the short film portion of the Academy Awards to use the toilet in the middle of your Oscar party, why not impress everyone with your brilliant, cultured opinions of this year’s short films? The toilet can wait, because we have friends to one-up!

If you want to go see the shorts, there are a few places which can oblige you…for a fee. Firstly, we have the IFC Center. If you’re willing to indulge their usual ticket price of one severed testicle, then they have a set of all the animated shorts and an equivalent set for the live-action shorts, which starts on Friday. Similarly, you can also see the supposedly fantastic Animated Feature nominee, Secret of Kells, starting March 5th. Whether you like it or not you can still tell everyone at your party how it deserved to win over Up, because none of them will have seen it anyway.

You could also see all ten short films together in one fell swoop for a mere three dollars at Lighthouse International! What’s the downside? Well you can only go Saturday the 27th at noon or 4, and it’ll probably sell out if you don’t buy tickets in advance.

If you want a preview of what you’d actually be watching at these ADD-tailored movie marathons, there are a few you can see online for free. To be more specific, all the animated films and Miracle Fish.

Animation:
French Roast – Guy goes to a coffee shop without his wallet. PUNISHED FOR ETERNITY. (France 8 mins)
Granny O’ Grimm’s Sleeping Beauty – A bitter, evil version of Sleeping Beauty. (Ireland 6 mins)
The Lady and the Reaper – Grim Reaper and a douchey Doctor physically fight over an old lady’s life. Kind of awesome. (Spain 8 mins)
Logorama – Ads take over the world, and Ronald MacDonald takes a kid hostage. (Argentina 17 mins)
A Matter of Loaf and Death – I know the pun makes it sound super cool, but it’s actually just Wallace and Grommit. (UK 30 mins)

Manimation:
The Door – Not on the youtubes, but here is a clip of The Doors instead. Basically the same thing. (Russia 17 mins)
Instead of Abrakadabra – About a guy who’s a magician in the way that GOB from Arrested Development is a magician. (Swedish 18 mins)
Kavi – This one’s about slavery. So this one should win something, because it’s about real stuff. Like slavery. (Hindi 19 mins)
The New Tenants – Two people move into their apartment, only to realize all their neighbors are weirdos. Hits close to home. Like slavery. (English 20 mins)
Miracle Fish – A kid wishes that everyone would go away, and they do. Some guys have all the luck. (Australian 18 mins)

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