The Grammys are usually a very stressful night for me. I like music, a lot, and despite the fact that the Grammys are a complete and total joke, I watch them every year with a level of religious fervency that rivals that of a jihadist.

Wait. The Grammys are a joke, you ask? How can that be?

This question is best answered up by a conversation I had with my roommate: “I mean, what do the Grammys actually measure? Popular success? Or musical quality? Or both?” she asked me as we sat in the kitchen watching the award for best country album go to Taylor Swift. “I don’t know,” I shrugged.

And really, isn’t that the problem? No one cares about the Grammys, because no one knows why the Grammys exist. The Grammys are kind of like your drunk Uncle Louie, who shows up for Christmas dinner already trashed, and proceeds to tell stories about his glory days for 3 hours while everyone else stands around looking confused.

So in recent years, to keep things interesting (and to make sure people keep tuning in), the Grammys have become a breeding ground for shock-value performances, awkward mash-ups and unexpected duets. And last night was no different. Taylor Swift and Stevie Nicks? Beyonce covering an Alanis song? Travis Barker and Lil’ Wayne? Jamie Foxx and Slash? Oh Grammys! What have thou wrought!

I thought perhaps the awfulness would stop with the awkward performances, but no. In addition, the awards also sucked. “I’m on a Boat” lost to some abhorrent song called “Run This Town.” Best New Artist went to a country band I’ve never heard of, the Zac Brown Band. (In addition, most of the nominees for the category of Best New Artist have been around for at least 3 years, in one of many Grammy Fails.)

Without a doubt, the biggest Grammy Fail was Album of the Year. I understand that we have some Taylor Swift fans on the staff and in our readership but SERIOUSLY? Album of the Year? Come on, people. It should have at least gone to Gaga. And of course, Swift delivered a sugar-sweet acceptance speech that made me kind of want to throw up. Where’s Kanye when you need him? Or, hell — Lady Gaga doesn’t need Kanye to do her dirty work. She should have rushed the stage herself.

A few high points from the night: NYU alumna Gaga opened the awards ceremony performing with Elton John, Imogen Heap wore a bizarre “Twitter Dress” on the red carpet, and Stephen Colbert appeared to be using a REAL iPad in a moment of brilliant Apple marketing. Also, Pink performed (nearly) naked.

But even these shining moments couldn’t prevent the rest of the ceremony from being completely baffling. After a certain point, I realized I was going to have an aneurysm from the sheer bizarreness if I continued watching. So I turned off the TV and tried to relegate my blood pressure to an acceptable range. Grammys, I give up on you. You served up more WTF moments last night than I ever could have imagined. I’ll see you next year.

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