Aspiring journalists would do well to remember that, “if you cannot find the source of a quote, make one up.” After all, “nobody’s reading your story anyway. Get over yourself.” Or so says FakeAPStylebook on Twitter.

Anyone who has a copy of the real AP Stylebook sitting abandoned on a shelf (or possibly be burned in effigy) will understand the particular satisfaction that comes with watching that godforsaken book being ripped to shreds. You can really only read so many rules about how to abbreviate various street designations before going batshit crazy. So in honor of an anonymous destroyer of arcane journalistic writing rules, we are deeming FakeAPStylebook the Official Favorite Twitter Account of NYU Local, at least for today.

Enjoy a few recent gems of appropriate language usage below and after the jump.

• A “cougar” is a large cat native to North America. An older woman who pursues a younger man is “embarrassing herself.”
• When faced with a challenging name, simply refer to the individual by nicknames like “Scout” or “Champ”.
• If you must, use asterisks in the place of letters in the middle of swear words. But, come on, spell it out, pussy.
• Make use of ellipses and question marks in headlines to entice readers, e.g. “Family of four… found dead?”
• To make extra money, subtly insert paid advertisements into your work and always drink Pepsi.
• Use the inverted pyramid structure for your story, as this pleases Apophis, the Egyptian god of darkness and chaos.
• Use “undead” for the first zombie reference, followed by “completely played-out fad” on subsequent mentions.
• “A-Rod” is the baseball player, “a rod” is a round piece of wood or metal, and “A. Rod” is our favorite porn star.
• Robots should only be referred to by gender-neutral pronouns, no matter how sexy they may be.

*Should an overzealous classmate or professor question your new style of writing, point out that you “researched it on the internet. So don’t worry, it’s cool.”