Details made Dan, What’s His Name and Chuck their cover stars today and frankly, it’s a little embarassing. Granted, this is a show marketed largely toward teenage girls, but why are these three grown men allowing the Carrie Bradshaw-ization of not only their characters, but their lives. Just ask Drew. Each of them is not-so-slowly becoming a caricature of the hip city kid like a fantasy from a SATC writer, fifteen years younger—a schoolgirl’s notebook. How’s this for a prediction: None of these “actors” will make it out of this show with a career.

Sure, they’ll make some money, but who’s looking out for them and their manhood? Where is Josh Schwartz in all of this? Cohen and Chino were in the same predicament—shallow show, female dominated market, too many “feelings”—but still managed to play video games, watch bad movies and put across some semblance of chemistry. Even bromance, if you want to go there. Their pre-credits, opening scene exchanges were legendary. Where’s that outsider magic Schwartz could always muster, even with leads who we were supposed to believe did not fit in even though they looked like models (not to mention 25)?

And why all of the vague, homosexual undertones to every aspect of Gossip Boys’ relationships? Apart from this joke of a magazine cover, when they do share screen time, it’s in overblown, melodramatic thuds of awkwardness. You know why neither of them can pull off a functional relationship? Because they have no friends.