1. She knows you are sleeping with him. You’ve never had a slip up: no condom wrappers left wantonly in the trash, no awkward walk-in moments, but Mrs. Palin knows. She doesn’t confront you about it, but there is a flare of crazy in her eyes when you come over for mooseburgers.

2. She bakes brownies but then makes you pray before you can eat them, even though you have intimated repeatedly that you are an Athiest. Then she makes a backhanded comment about the length of your skirt.

3. She makes a big deal about your vegetarianism at the family barbeque. Within 10 minutes every single family member knows that you don’t eat meat, and then they repeatedly ask you questions about why you made such a “hippie-seeming” choice.

4. She constantly brings up girls from church that she wishes her son would date instead of you, but she is a coy, mysterious beast, and so says things like, “Cora has really gotten beautiful, wouldn’t you say? She wanted to study theology at Alaska Bible College, but then decided to stay home and help her father with his business.” She then asks, for the fifth time, what you’re majoring in, and narrows her eyes when you answer, “Um, I’m not sure, I want to be a writer…”

5. The family DVD collection consists solely of Veggie Tales and hunting documentaries.

6. The deer head proudly posted above the mantle has a cross hanging from its neck. Each year, Mrs. Palin makes everyone pose around it for the family Christmas card. You are the one responsible for taking the picture.

7. She frequents your boyfriend’s athletic events, occasionally using the Lord’s name in vain when the ref makes a call she disagrees with. The signs she brings read, “My son shoots goals for God.”

8. Despite the fact that he is a nympho, you had to teach her son what a condom was, and initially get him to commit premarital sex by explaining to him that, no, you may as well just fuck me because sticking it in my ass is an even worse sin, Sodom.