Senior Bucket List: Drunk In Class

Here at NYU Local, we have a long history of going places that we are not invited to. We also have a long history of substance abuse. At 3:30 pm on Thursday afternoon, we combined both of these things.

Two intrepid reporters went where no one has ever gone willingly before: a Natural Science II class. This one, however– called “Molecules of Life”– has gotten rave reviews, and so has the professor, CAS legend Trace Jordan (No, not Tracy Jordan.) Professor Jordan has a stellar 4.8 out of 5 grade on RateMyProfessor.com, and many students have called him the best professor they’ve had at NYU.

So we decided to see what all the hubbub was about. And because we are seniors sitting in a science class on a sunny day, we brought along some beverages to spice it up.

Here’s NYU Local’s “Drunk-blog” of Trace Jordan’s Nat Sci II, ‘Molecules of Life.’

3:15 – The room smells like sweat.

3:15 – In true science nerd fashion, we arrived fifteen minutes early, to make sure we could get a good seat.

3:24 – Saw our good friend Delia, shared the wealth:  “What is this, diet? Do you want a stomach ulcer? Like who puts dark rum in cherry coke? Really…I don’t think anybody does that shit.”

3:26 – Saw another friend from freshman year. Screamed at him. He didn’t hear.

3:27 - Delia on Trace Jordan: “He has a secret temper.”

3:28 - We grow nervous. Hide our cherry coke bottles.

3:30 – Slide goes up. Today’s lecture is ‘Enzymes and Drug Design’ (DRUGS? Our ears perk up).

3:31 - Trace Jordan is kind of good looking. He has a Hugh Jackman from X-men beard.  Hot. ish. He also has a tiny MICROPHONE that plugs into a box on his waist…celeb status.

3:32- Talking about pills….hmm. Professor Jordan says that Tylenol can give you liver failure (so can rum). “Hundreds of people per year” overdose on it.

3:33 - Course evaluations. Murder me with a pitchfork.

3:34 - Now the professor is acting out the online evaluation filling in bubbles, with his super-wide eyeballs….big ol’ eyeballs….Big ole *dreamy* eyeballs. We giggle.

3:35 – He is STILL talking about the goddamn evaluations.

3:38 – Lecture finally starts. drug design….sounds so cool. Is not cool. Protease, polypeptide BLAH BLAH BLAH.

3:39 – Now Trace is starting to talk about HIV. Shit is getting really real.

3:40 – The cherry coke is becoming very difficult to swallow.

3:41 – The boy next to us is kind of cute. Nice ass watch. (As in it’s nice to watch his ass or he’s wearing a really nice wrist watch? Maybe the rum is starting to take effect.)

3:42 – We’re wondering what Trace’s accent is. It’s sort of soft and tinkling and maybe British or Canadian. Delia tells us that he grew up in England, but lost the accent (RIP).

3:46 –  He’s onto flu shots now…flu shots are for wimps. Caught Sophia on Instagram. We’re supposed to be learning science!

3:51 – The boy in front of us just blatantly leaves. Peace bitches. Apparently not interested in FDA regulations.

3:52 -Fun fact: If you drink enough coffee you can overdose. A lethal dose is about 250 cups a day.

3:55 – The girl in front of us is playing solitaire.

3:56 -Trace references a Simpsons episode where Homer takes too many drugs for a clinical trial.

Sophia: “Classic.”

3:57 – Some dingleberry comes in late and sits right in front of us.

3:58 – Delia (a Comparative Literature major): Efficacy is the same word as efficient, they only say that to sound smarter.

Melissa: They should have English majors judge science lecturers and lay the SMACKDOWN on them like BITCH ITS THE SAME WORD.

4:01 – We send a snapchat.

4:02 - Trace makes a lame joke.

Delia: Did you just hear all those people laugh at his terrible joke?

They laugh every time

All the time they laugh so hard.

4:03 – Trace just asked if anyone read the small print of side effects. Melissa obnoxiously raised her hand. She was alone. NOTICED.

4:04 - Trace says that we take drugs “ like candy.”

4:05 – A girl in the front just left and came back w a grande Frappucino. Diva.

4:17 – Sophia: If I were in a recitation for this class, I would contribute the fun fact that diet pills are not approved by the FDA.

4:20 – Sophia: OMG 4:20 guys

Delia: Blaaaaaaaze.

Sophia: Where dat dank ass new-new?

Melissa: Die.

4:21 – OMG HANDOUTS! Interactivity. We’re so excited to participate.

Sophia: While sticking my hand in to look for a pencil, I realized that all of my peanuts had spilled.

4:24 – Sophia’s on Facebook.

4:25 – Melissa: It’s quiet….too quiet.

Sophia: Anybody want some peanuts?

4:27 – We are softly giggling at how hard everyone else is working. WE FEEL LIKE KINGS.

4:29 – Sophia drinks Melissa’s drink by accident. Melissa says DIE.

Sophia: “Accident”  ;)

Sophia has lots of typos.

4:30 – Trace says “FINISH UP BITCHES.”

4:36 - Should drug companies be responsible?

Trace is playing devil’s advocate

Trace is the devil.

We hear music from outside.

We’re pretty sure it’s Kendrick.

Sophia: Melissa just slugged me and told me to pay attention and then asked me how far I was on my drink.

4:39 – We are good students and fill out evaluations.

Here are our evaluations:

Melissa: I snuck into your class to see what it was like. It was great! Tell more jokes. Very interesting! Nice accent.

Sophia: Useful info! FDA is the worst! Am I right?!

4:44 – They’re going over the exam. As seniors we’re like, YOLO FORGET THIS.

4:46 – End of class. Everyone claps.

Melissa: He’s so cute. The cutest.

Sophia: Damn it. I don’t feel very good. I hate dark rum.

 [Image via princigalli / www.shutterstock.com]



2 Comments

  • CB
    May 13, 2013

    HOW ARE THERE NO COMMENTS THIS IS HILARIOUS. I LAUGHED SO HARD MY DOG WHIMPERED BECAUSE HE’S VERY THOUGHTFUL OF ME.

    BRAVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BESSTIESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

  • Jeff Y
    July 26, 2013

    good job. this is some top quality journalism right here

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