Remember our good friends Bwog uptown? At the end of spring semester, they asked graduating seniors, “Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese?” It’s part of this long-running series called “Senior Wisdom,” where seniors impart particular wisdom onto freshmen and beyond. Last week, out of the dark mysteriousness of the Internet, they received an in-depth statistical analysis of their Cheese Or Oral Sex responses.
The mathematician, known only as “Fromage ’13,” analyzes the response of 222 interviews, 119 men and 103 women, Senior Wisdom 2006 to 2012. With a 95 percent confidence rate, Fromage concluded, “Of those who answered the question directly, 64% of women and 53% of men said they’d prefer to give up oral sex in favor of cheese: 58% of seniors overall, then, would seem to prefer cheese to oral sex.”
Let’s get this out of the way. This is hilarious, and jokes needs to be made (since, you know, we’re rivals):
• Cheese over oral sex, you say? I thought you were the smart ones (bros highfive me).
• First a Nutella obsession, now this? We’ll trade you some swipes to Downstein for all your sexual partners.
• Is it that Uptown has really good cheese, or are y’all just bad at oral sex? (Except, of course, the sexually active band geeks).
• There’s a joke about French cheese and studying abroad here…
• Blah blah blah East Village rules blah blah blah Uptown drools blah blah.
But, as a representative of one collegiate institution to another — Fromage ’13, this is super awesome. The best stuff we do during our senior procrastination time is get angry about our graduation speaker, get angry at people who get angry about our graduation speaker, and make tumblrs about our future speaker. This, dear cheesy friend, is some bonafide productive procrastination. Also, math is confusing; thank you for including graphs to make it less confusing.
Also, all of our inner feminists and/or Gallatin students can love a premise based on the underlying patriarchy influencing college sex. “Any sexual activity in a heteronormative collegiate… environment serves as social capital for men more than women… Aside from whatever pleasure might be gained, sex of any kind does not really serve the same purpose of social capital for a woman as it does a man in a heteronormative environment, so it makes sense that oral sex would be something of less importance to her if she were asked to pick between that and, say, a nice brie.” Cheese and fighting heteronormativity? That’s math we can get behind.
Of course, this is only representative of a small sample of Columbia’s student population. We had no idea how NYU students feel about cheese vs. oral sex. So sound off in the comments. Would you rather give up dairy or third base? Or both, you lactose-intolerant, chaste individual?