Remember all those nights you can’t remember? During your underclassmen years at NYU, a budding alcoholism defined life, and come your 21st birthday a whole new world awaits full of drunken, blurry memories. But when that glorious day arrives, don’t be too quick to forget the true hero of college: the fake ID.
In the beginning of freshman year, the kid with a beard and a fake stands a god among mere mortals. But as time progresses, every NYU kid starts hunting down a good fake. It’s the key to the city.
Yet fakes vanish once legality hits. Tossed away into drawers. Thrown into the garbage. Handed off to a friend with kind of – sort of the same nose. The once holy item stood by your side for years, guiding you in and out of Manhattan’s sleaziest bars. Thus honor your fake ID, the sacred soldier of the NYU underclassmen, with one of these proper goodbyes.
1. Get it taken away.
Never lost a fake? Lucky bastard. Except, you are missing out on a classic coming-of-age story to brag about during your midlife crisis. So appease your future suburban self by getting that baby taken away.
Face the facts. You’ve played it too safe for too long. On the eve of your 21st throw caution to the wind! Skip the usual St. Marks spots and go big or go home. You know what bouncers love? An abrasive customer who doesn’t know a year of birth.
That’s right. Treat yourself to one final tale of being an adolescent dumbass.
2. Leave it for generations to come.
Nothing is more sacred than a father-son or mother-daughter relationship. So why not let your ID live on through your own blood? Pass that fake down from generation to generation. Your son might have to convince a bouncer he’s 50, but that picture sure does look like him.
Remember, people die but ideas (and IDs) live forever.
3. Bury it at sea.
When Tom Hanks crashed into that island, a bloodstained volleyball saved him from insanity. Taking up Wilson’s role, your fake also kept you from being a lonely dude stuck on an island. Granted, turning 21 differs from floating on a bamboo raft towards probable death, but at least conjure up a bit of emotion for your fallen friend. Give your fake the most honorable of deaths by casting it away into the sea.
Step it up with a Viking funeral! Float your fake away on a paper boat in the Hudson but don’t forget to light it on fire first! On second thought, being caught committing arson with a falsified piece of identification might not sit well with the police. Not to mention, who knows what kind of chemicals ID Chief products hold.
4. Take it out for a spin now and then.
Perhaps the best way to honor your fake is to never truly let it go. Tuck it into the back of your wallet, behind the Cafetasia rewards card you keep forgetting to get stamped. Make your fake invisible, and then go ahead and forget about it. Try not to live in the past.
But the fateful day will arrive when you clean out your wallet only to stumble upon that old legend. Stare at it for a bit. Try to remember the last time it saw the light of a bouncer’s flashlight. On this day, take that old girl out for a spin. Treat her nice. Make her feel pretty.
Buy a drink with the help of that old, wrinkly, pealing piece of plastic. If Meryl Streep has taught us anything, there is nothing better than a living legend.