My friend Alex and I have said that we like autumn because you can, quote, “throw a sweater on it.” We came to this conclusion before the release of “Single Ladies” and the subsequent association of “putting things on it” with vague notions of marriage set to an R&B beat.

The comparison, however, works; autumn is the season for independence. If love blossoms in spring and sucks your dick in a kayak during summer, then you shed it in fall like a soggy bathing suit. You have school to worry about, and maybe a new job, and negotiating bribes for spending the night at your grandparents’ house in Long Island for Thanksgiving.

How do you project this sienna confidence to your classmates? Here’s one version of “The Autumn Look.” I encourage either a girl or someone gayer than me to make a ladies’ guide. This also assumes you’re on something of a budget.

• J. Crew’s sweaters are always wonderful, and this year, their “shawl popovers” allow you to stay warm while avoiding the far-too-prevalent V-neck or boring crewneck. Wear it over a toned-down button-down (you don’t need to buy a new shirt for this) and eschew the coat; you’ll be warm in the morning when it’s in the 40s, but still comfortable in the afternoon when the high hits 60 degrees.
• I’m linking to a generic shoe to prove a point here: you don’t need to break the bank on autumn footwear. A nice, clean (and brown? Brown is a fall color) Oxford looks casual but nice; more fashionable than athletic shoes, it doesn’t matter if your new Oxfords get a little wet in the rain or sprinkled with your roommate’s vomit after that crazy rooftop party you got crazy at because like it’s the last time you can party on a rooftop for a while: these shoes were meant to last.
• Fall accessories don’t really serve a purpose; you don’t actually need a scarf when it’s 50 degrees outside. That said, they look so cute! Don’t overdo things right now, or else you’ll just look silly. But sometimes, the most obvious places are the best to find basic accessories like knit caps and scarves. They’re cheaper at the chain stores, and look a good deal less ridiculous than their “couture” counterparts.
• Skip the chai tea. It’s about as authentically autumnal as a queefing leaf slowly tooting its way to the barren soil below. Instead, hit up your friendly neighborhood coffee shop (or Starbucks, to make your life easy) and try a pumpkin spice beverage. They’re so so good, but they seem to come and go more quickly than your efforts to go to the gym at the start of the school year; savor each sip, because fall’s seasonal drinks are better than the overbearing peppermint lattes they peddle to Christ’s minions come December.
• Scones are a good autumn snack. They say, “I’m so seasonal, I’ll eat my way through what is essentially a stale biscuit stuffed with berries and/or chocolate because some moron on NYU Local told me to.” You’re welcome, masses.
• I just Googled “autumn alcohol drink” and this came up. So there you go: Brandy Alexanders. Maybe Suri can teach us how to make these on Friday.
• Finally, make sure you’re taking an antidepressant that works for you. Seriously, you have a semester’s worth of annoying assignments, coupled with the painfully slow exit of summer’s carlessness as well as the weekly drama of sharing a class with an ex-boyfriend. If you drug yourself up enough, the leaves will queef for you. And you alone.