Topless women, irresponsible cash flow, rampant cocaine usage: I could be talking about many things here, but this time it’s Bernie Madoff.

Bernie’s office was filled with so much cocaine, it was apparently dubbed “The North Pole.” Seriously, this could be about so many NYU dorms on any given weekend. Let’s see what parallels we can draw!

There were “trysts on the office couch,” which is totally like the time your roommate sexiled you so the guy you met at Burrito Loco started going down on you in the bathroom. You make do with what you have in this city, city of dreams and trysts on the office couch.

Also, “Madoff would send a messenger to buy drugs ‘for himself and the company,” which is just like the delivery service you use to get weed at 7pm on a Wednesday.

The cocaine speaks for itself, I think.

Madoff was “worried that the drugs could draw the attention of prosecutors who might discover his financial fraud,” just like how you’re worried about volume levels in your dorm room so that your RA doesn’t come in and see all the bongs and Svedka bottles you have lying around.

And Madoff was using his stolen Ponzi scheme money to fund all this, which is like telling your parents you need money for “textbooks” when you’re really going to spend it all on beer.

NYU: teaching lessons that last a lifetime! (In prison.)