—– This week, in City, we are featuring our Ultimate Guide to the City. We want to help those of you who are new to New York (as well as those who have been basking in the sun and drinking margaritas for too long this summer) get (re)aquainted with the basics of living in New York. On Tuesday we will present Food and Getting Around, on Wednesday, Things to See, on Thursday, Online Resources, and on Friday, Nightlife.

Editor’s Note: The author submitted this article anonymously, at approximately 7 a.m., through my dorm window, tied to a brick. It was written primarily on twenty- and fifty-dollar bills, some in better condition than others. Many were in tatters and would have been unsalvageable but for the care and dedication of the NYPD’s forensics unit who worked in conjunction with several prominent Dead Sea Scrolls scholars – including NYU’s own Rabbi Lawrence Schiffman. The Editors would like to emphasize that there is no way to assure the veracity of the author’s multiple, potentially libelous claims and that we do not condone this often illegal, but always unsafe, behavior. We print this as a public service – to exhibit the depths to which one can sink when immersed in the Nightlife of New York City.

‡ Events marked with this symbol are for upperclassmen, or 21-year-old Freshmen only

• 8:00 p.m. – Hayden Hall, 35 Washington Sq. West

Preparation, collect supplies, provisions: keys, phone, lighter, cigarettes, spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch.

• 8:30 p.m. – Sidewalk Outside Hayden Hall

Shove your way through the crowd that has inevitably amassed outside the hub of Freshman nightlife at NYU.  Burn people with your cigarette if they don’t get out of your way fast enough.

• 9:00 p.m. – Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery

Open mic and bingo on Monday nights.

• 10:00 p.m. – Bulgarian Cultural Center

You probably won’t want to stay for long, but you might run into a famous Colombian metal band or two.

• 10:05 p.m. – L-Train

If all else fails, you can just ride the L-train back and forth between Manhattan and Brooklyn.  It will usually be interesting.

• ‡ 10:30 p.m. – Alligator Lounge, 600 Metropolitan Ave., Brooklyn, NY 11211

You rarely want to drink on an empty stomach, but you will sometimes find that you don’t have enough money to support both your booze habit and your food habit.  Alligator Lounge is an easy solution – you get a free personal pizza with every drink.

• 11:00 p.m. – A Rooftop in Bushwick

A punk band plays acoustic.  A drunk kid falls through a skylight.  Your night is going well.

• ‡ 11:30 p.m. – Anytime, 93 N. 6^th St., Brooklyn

 Just off of Bedford Ave. in Williamsburg.  $1 PBR every day.

• 12:00 a.m. – Funkadelic Studios, 37 W. 26^th St. 2^nd Fl.

23 sound-proofed rehearsal studios outfitted with drums, amps, mics, and PA.  Be there Friday, September 12^th at Midnight.

Note:  If by this time you have ended up in a club, a hookah bar, or New Jersey, you are lost.  Call it a night and chalk it up to a character building experience.

• 1:00 a.m. – Artichoke Pizza, 328 E. 14^th St.

Open late, good pizza, drunken party on the street.

• ‡ 2:00 a.m. – Lit Lounge, 93 2^nd Ave.

Are you rich and good-looking?  Do you feel uncomfortable around people who aren’t?  Are you a proponent of eugenics?  Then Lit is the place for you.  However, some redneck from North Carolina has infiltrated this scene and will be the DJ on Sunday, September 7^th.  If you want to see people in expensive clothes try to dance to all of Reign In Blood by Slayer, make sure you’re there on Sunday.

• 3:00 a.m. – An Apartment Somewhere on the Lower East Side

It doesn’t really matter which one, just make sure it has roof access.

• 4:00 a.m. – Central Park Ramble

Central Park hasn’t been truly dangerous at night since the 1970s and 1980s, but if you want a taste of the old Central Park, go to the Ramble late.  If you ever wanted to be in a horror film, this is probably as close as you’ll get.

• 5:00 a.m. – Stoop

Stoop it up as often as possible throughout your tenure in New York – but remember, drinking in public is illegal so stock up on brown paper bags.

• 6:00 a.m. – Waverly Restaurant, 385 6^th Ave.

You will definitely run into the drummer from Dream Theater, Raven, or Poison if you go here in the wee hours of the morning.

Photo: Flickr courtesy of Shavar